"I worked in IT since I was 18, starting off as a Junior Programmer, until I finished my IT career in December 2016 (30 year career). I ended up doing infrastructure support. I knew from when I was 21 that I had concentration/procrastination issues and found it really difficult to read non-fiction. Fiction; I enjoyed as a child, but I didn't know at the time, it was only when I was in a quiet environment that I was able to take it in. O levels I did well, A levels passed only 1 of 3 – maybe concentration or the pub!
In my mid-20's I realised I was struggling with concentration and by then had entered IT management, as a consequence I bounced through a few roles. At the time I spoke to my GP and they prescribed anti-depressants, to no obvious benefit. I then moved to junior support-based roles for many years.
We moved to a new area in 2005 and I found a new job. During this role, I quickly realised I had chosen a job role greater than my ability/experience and started to struggle to concentrate, I think this was the ADHD symptoms rather than my mental state. During this time we were also unfortunately experiencing several miscarriages and were going through the early rounds of IVF. On one morning we awoke to find my wife had miscarried again after about 3 months. I went to work that day waiting for my wife to speak to the GP, they asked her to go to hospital and we agreed she would pick me up at work so we could go together. Upon leaving work I went into the toilet and saw a colleague who I had told. As soon as I saw him I just burst out crying and he hugged me. Around this time, we also bought our first house together, in hindsight stretching ourselves too far financially and whilst it was a calculated risk, entered into a poor decision of a 10 year fixed period mortgage. Looking back this further delayed our decision for me to make a career change.
After this miscarriage the NHS did some tests on us to try to find out why we were not able to go full term and while they didn’t find any medical reason, they did discover I had Fragile X variant A (FraxA, rather than FraxE which is severe). This is rarely diagnosed, but is the underlying condition for ADHD. This was a light bulb moment and I was so relieved to realise it wasn’t potentially my intellect level which was causing me to have learning and task completion issues. The commonly connected symptoms of ADHD are also Depression and Anxiety which I had and was a further relief to discover this.
During this time, I moved jobs again quickly. I had only been there for 1½ years but I was struggling too much. I then moved to the next job which was to be more technical than the rest of the team, the pressure to be the bread winner probably spurred me on with this regard rather than take stock and choose a lesser role. In this role not only did my lack of technical ability become apparent; so did my procrastination ie: struggling to complete tasks. However, my condition did give me an ability to organise the department well and very efficiently. While I couldn’t technically resolve issues often I could challenge the thoughts of experts to resolve issues or their point of view. Now in hindsight I realise that another negative of FraxA was that I was critical about others, short tempered and would spend more time checking others work rather than concentrating on my own. All of these factors in this role meant the department became demotivated and toxic towards me. After about 5 years while I had achieved a lot with improvements and technical advancements I felt my time was up and so moved jobs. During this time we did also go through the adoption process approval and were paired up with twin 17 month old boys. My wife took time off work and cared for the boys until they went to nursery/school, at which point she then started working part time during school hours. While I’ve written about adopting the boys in a few words, I do not underestimate the impact that had on us and our lives. I do know that my patience decreases steeply when sleep deprived for sure. Obviously, I also look back at these times with absolute delight.
The next job was similar in the level of technical expertise required, which I had now obtained, but my procrastination and lack of ability to solve problems/see the bigger picture meant I struggled in this role also. To a certain degree the job was far more than an one person role, but my boss would never give me in any support. However my organisational skills did see me do well as I made lots of improvements and I remained in this role for 5 years before I thought my time was up again. While in this role I progressed my ADHD treatment, after speaking to my GP I was referred to an ADHD specialist who said I didn’t have it because I wasn’t hyperactive. I later found out that this element doesn’t always exhibit in every patient. He also couldn’t diagnose what my issues were, I later found out he only did this job for ½ day a month and didn’t have a good reputation. Being the bulldog of tenacity that I am, I continued my search contacting the ADHD clinic and while they wouldn’t treat me, as I was out of area, the doctor did offer to treat me for a 3hr private consultation and an initial medication prescription if required. I tried the medication (Concerta XL (Amphetamine)) to no avail – it just made me more anxious. I was then referred to another private ADHD doctor, as the previous one had been suspended (nothing to do with my diagnosis), who ratified my diagnosis and started me on various ADHD medications, but unfortunately to no avail.
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During this time, maybe caused by the changing medications or due to the pressures on me at work, I started to feel suicidal. Often on my journey home, particularly on dark winter nights, I would think of a world without me in it. Leaving the boys without a father was the one thought that constantly held me back. At some points I had thought of how and where I would do it, in the woods on the journey home or in the woods at the bottom of the valley where I went for walks from home. Also during these times the relationship between myself and my wife was negatively affected and at one point I looked into moving out into rented accommodation. In her defence, my wife had often asked if we could downsize, but I motored on thinking that we could continue financially and as a couple. At some point, I could see our savings dwindling and knew that I had reached the point where we had no choice and had to downsize. We put our house on the market and moved into rented accommodation to reduce the chain. This happened and we moved into a lovely small 3 bedroom semi nearer the village/school, while this was a smaller property it has some fond memories as the family had to be all together more often. During this time I changed jobs again to a freelance role and we found a house to do-up and move into.
At the beginning of the house process and this current role I was still trying different medications with the ADHD doctor and on one evening when I got home, I just burst out crying to my wife and had a panic attack. Whilst I am sure there were many factors triggering this, it was actually because I had put on weight so my suit trousers were too tight that was the proverbial straw or burnout phase! After I had composed myself, with my wife’s reassurance, we decided I needed to quit my job and find a role with less responsibility and one that I enjoyed. My wife also agreed to be the bread winner – something that I mention with emphasis when I tell this story as I am eternally grateful (I rarely tell anyone the story with all the mental health details).
I am a great believer in fate and as it happened it worked out perfectly as our new house needed a lot of work and I wouldn’t have been able to work full time and get the project completed. Once we had moved in and essential work had been completed I then looked for a job I wanted to do. At that point my role needed to be part time and work around school hours for child care. I tried animal care roles working at a shelter and a canine hydrotherapy clinic. Additionally I did a role as a driver for a local hospice. I soon realised that I preferred human interaction and so looked for relevant roles. I eventually chose a role as a part time hospital porter as it included the human element and I thought I could do it better after a my own negative experience when I recently had been in hospital.
I absolutely loved the hospital porter job because I was able to meet lots of people (patients and staff) and hopefully brought a cheer to them or made the experience slightly better. When Covid struck, my wife was furloughed so I could work full time and found a job doing patient transport for the NHS in ambulances which was even better as I could deal with patients all the time. Once in that role I found out there was a route to the NHS front line ambulances, which is what I dreamt of doing 25 years prior, and I'm now doing – loving every moment!
The journey is not just about the realisation that I needed to find a more suitable career (ie: so I could continue my ADHD treatment, find a job that wasn’t too difficult with the symptoms or find a job that I enjoyed, & relieve some financial pressure), but also us as a couple needed to get off the "big house" merry-go-round and be content with something smaller (the house size doesn't define us or our quality of life). The other additional outcome is that I am now the least materialistic I have ever been, new expensive cars mean nothing to me - I gladly swap them for holiday memories."
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